The Fellowship's Folly
by Kathleen1
Summary: What happen's when the fellowship bestows the Ring to a stupid hobbit... it's funny, trust me... Will update with 10 REVIEWS! I wanna know if anyones readin it...
1. Feelings revealed stronger than others

A quiet Shire day had led to an incredibly bored hobbit to reading about the sanity slipping of the Invisible Man. This hobbit, christened Frodo Baggins, of Bag End, put the book down which was quickly taken away by a dog. Frodo was angered easily at this incident and chased the dog, throwing some unusually large rocks at it. One stunned it as Frodo fell off the landing. Fortunately, Frodo fell into a passing cart, going head first into the baggage. He ripped one and suddenly a stream of light lit the already bright sky. He had to crack one in Gandalf's cart.   
  
"Hehe... sorry 'bout that, but I can explain. I had some liver and fava beans for luncheon, baked beans for dinner, and supper was an extraordinarily large plate of sauerkraut. "  
  
"GET OUT NOW!! The last thing I need is this cart blowing up." Frodo got out, very hurt, then ripped another one, which set off a small set of fireworks from about 20 yards away. The kids behind Frodo began to laugh gleefully at the light show, but quickly passed out. Frodo giggled to himself as he walked over to the unconscious dog to recover his book.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Later that day, the fireworks had started at Bilbo's 111th birthday. All the fireworks were identical to those of the previous year save for one: a hoard of birds leaving presents that could shatter the tempered glass of windshields. In making the fireworks, Gandalf terribly miscalculated the drop point. Because of this, quite a large number of hobbits left the party on stretchers with concussions and severe brain damage.   
  
When the excitement died down, and when Gandalf promised to curse any hobbit who tried to touch him (with the all favorite finger-in-the-nose-for-all-eternity deal), Bilbo got up to make his speech.  
  
"Okay, no need for pleasantries. I hate you all, and it doesn't really matter because you hate me too!! The only reason any of you came tonight is to get wasted and hopefully puke all over my property. Just because my life hasn't been as boring as yours!! You're feet are too big and smell atrousiously bad!"  
  
Proudfoot lifted his foot from the ground and inhaled deeply. "Yup, it's meee..." Almost immediately he passed out from the intoxicating smell exuding from his foot.  
  
"I hope I never see any of you again you little beasts!" With those final words, Bilbo disappeared and noisily scampered off through the gate leading to his front door, leaving with a malicious laugh, "MWAHAHAHAHA!"   
  
"The old fart..." said quite a few hobbits as they cleared out, grabbing everything they could: chairs, ale, cake, food, grass, pieces of his gate. Some even grabbed what they could reach and pull out of his miniscule windows. Half a dozen hobbits even tried to lift Galdalf's hat. After dusting the last hobbit, Galdalf turned towards Bilbo's front door, ("I've always wanted to get that Lobelia twit...") and knocked loudly.  
  
"Let me in you little bugger!" Bilbo quickly let him in, but scrambled about as if he were in a hurry for somewhere.  
  
"Fork over the bloody ring! Or I'll make sure you're just like the little boy you never were!" Biblo stopped dead in his tracks and dropped his hands. He slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out a golden ring. Bilbo's lip started to tremble as he walked closer to Galdalf with this possession, stroking it gently.  
  
"Precccioussssss..."  
  
"Get a hobby!" Gandalf yelled at Bilbo's figure, glaring at him, which made him recoil. He dropped back, grabbed a leather bag and a large red-bound book, and left through the back door that's usually used to smuggle the stronger and more potent hobbit weed.   
  
Mere seconds after Bilbo had shut the door Frodo came in the front door. Gandalf came up to him rather quickly and said "Hide this well. Make sure no one else can find it, or it'll be your head and everyone else's on a very large platter!!"  
  
"Please don't tell me that's what's for dinner! I've already had enough gas for today." Frodo was idiotically serious when he said this, making Gandalf hit him rather hard upon the top of his head.   
  
"What was that fo'?"  
  
"Idiocy, now HIDE IT!" Gandalf's voice rose to such a level that Frodo pissed himself, leaving an acid-yellow stain in the middle of the hardwood, wearing away the polish in a matter of seconds. He left the rooms and came back with another ring. One that looked like a slice of piping with ducked tape wrapped around it.  
  
"Do we really need that ring? This one can work just fine..."  
  
"YOU LOST THE RING!"  
  
"No, I merely misplaced it. There's a difference..."  
  
"GO GET IT YOU LITTLE TURD!" Evidently, Frodo had spun around the cluttered room and released the ring into and unknown corner, were he, and no one else would find it. Frodo returned to Gandalf in about an hour's time holding the ring, grinning wildly.   
  
"Now HIDE it!"   
  
"I did!"   
  
Gandalf paused in this moment of pure stupidity and frustration and spoke slowly as if to an infant, "Where no one else can find it, but you can still gain access to!"  
  
"OH!! Why didn't you say so?"  
  
Gandalf put his head in his hands and began to smash his head against the wall, leaving an imprint of the over-sized wizards face in the wall. "I'll be back, but I'm leaving Sam for you to make sure you don't do anything stupid!" He turned around and walked towards the door. Without turning back around he added, "We'll go to Bree when I come back. If I'm delayed, go later, say midsummer. Sam tell him what I told you." Gandalf pulled a dazed looking hobbit from his side pack and placed him on the floor, "That's what you get for being a shrimp." He left the two in complete silence.  
  
"There I was mending to the garden, and BAM, I'm in a bloody bag because the freakin wizard couldn't just ask me to come with him!"  
  
"I was wondering why you didn't show up at the party..."  
  
"All I could hear was screaming, banging, and deeply inhaling that hobbit weed...mmm, good stuff, good stuff."  
  
"So it's settled then, we leave yesterday night!"   
  
"Mid-summer, next year... don't you ever have your head on straight, Mr. Frodo?"  
  
"O' course my heads on straight, I'm looking at you aren't I?"  
  
"Ne'ermind. Forget it." Sam paused, trying to think of how Frodo could possibly be that stupid. "OK, heres the deal: the Ring was made by the Dark Lord Sauron to try and take over Middle Earth. When he was slain---"  
  
"What does slain mean?" Frodo interrupted.  
  
"He was killed" Sam said hopelessly.  
  
"Ok, go on." Frodo now had a notebook out, copying down the story for further use.  
  
"When he was killed, the Ring fell into the wrong hands, and wasn't destroyed when it should have been. Instead, a very long chain of events led the ring to a little slimy creature named Gollum. It then went from Gollum, to Bilbo, to you. We go to Bree, meet Gandalf, go to Rivendell, and they will take the Ring from there."   
  
"---Bree...Rivendell...take Ring... got it!"  
  
"If you must do that, hide it safely, where no one can find it, and make sure you can find it this time!!!" 


	2. Heading out without the Geezer

***TIME PASSES***  
  
"Well, Gandalf isn't here yet, let's go! I bet Bree's got good food. Mmmm, cheeeeese!!"Frodo was packing his bag with necessities for the trip: food, water, his teddy bear, and at least two hundered ounces of hobbit weed, "I'm ready!" He walked into the room where Frodo was making more of a mess than was humanly necessary, "What are you doing?" Frodo was now talking in a whiny voice that tended to piss off Gamgee.   
  
"Where is the Ring?" Sam asked Frodo, in the most polite voice he could muster in his current position.   
  
"I was told not to tell anybody where the Ring was!"  
  
"I'm the one who told you that you moron!" Sam was about to rip the ears off the hobbit 'That would help me...' he thought as he smiled.  
  
"Well, since you asked nicely." Frodo said, going into the kitchen, returning with the cookie jar.  
  
"A BLOODY COOKIE JAR!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HIDING IT!!"  
  
"I was. Nobody likes my cookies. As a matter of fact, I don't think they ever want another one..." He paused, "Actually, I've never seen anyone I've given a cookie to again. Hmm..." Frodo looked like he was thinking about something, but as Sam already knew, he had no brain in which to comprehend anything. Even the cobwebs in his skull were deteriorating.   
  
Sam grumbled as he walked out of the room to grab his pack, "Put that bugger on a chain, and let's get on with it. We have to meet Merry and Pippin at Maggot's farm. They have incentive for hitching a ride to Buckleberry Ferry. "  
  
"You lost me at the in- word..." Frodo scratched his head.  
  
"They are going to bribe him so we can get there faster."   
  
Sam and Frodo got to Maggot's farm later than expected, and were surprised to find Merry and Pippin holding one of Frodo's cookies to Maggot's mouth.  
  
"We'll force feed it to you if you don't give us a ride. Wee need to get there, quick-like." Pippin was holding the cookie with thickly insulated rubber gloves.  
  
"BLOODY HELL!! Don't kill 'im!" Sam shouted, making their presence known.   
  
"Don't worry, we won't feed him the whole thing." Merry laughed from the shadows.  
  
"Fine! I'll take you. It'll only take a half-hour and it ain't worth my life! Get in the freaking cart."  
  
"That wasn't so hard, was it you old bag?" They jumped in the cart and Merry cast a sideways glance at Sam and Frodo, then whispered in a mocking tone, "I know where you're goin."  
  
Sam dropped his head in failure as Frodo continued to play in the hay, "How did you find out about that?"  
  
"Where do you think we got the cookie? Besides, Frodo left a little reminder for himself in there:  
  
RING IN COOKIE JAR  
  
GO TO BREE IN MID-SUMMER  
  
ON TO RIVENDELL...  
  
-Frodo and Sam  
  
Sam turned around and drilled Frodo on the back of the head.  
  
"Ow..." Frodo started to whimper again, and when his lip started to tremble, Merry spoke up.  
  
"Do that and I'll kill you!" He held up Frodo's cookie. He was completely silent for the rest of the trip.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
When they were about twenty yards from the ferry Maggot dumped them out and continued on his way. When the four hobbits had recovered from their fall, a loud, hoarse screech came from behind them, followed by hoofbeats. They looked in the direction and saw a dark rider on an ebony horse galloping towards them. They all screamed in unison then turned to run for the ferry ahead of them. They ran incredibly fast considering their short stature and heavy packs. Pippin, despite the short distance, tripped at least eight times on the way to the ferry, barely escaping the swing of the sword the wraith had almost brought down upon him. He jumped the distance from the dock to the departing ferry, leaving the Nazgul in the dust. 


	3. The Prancing Pony

"I can see inside you, the sickness is rising, don't try to deny what you feel! It seems that all that was good has died, and is decaying in me..." Frodo was singing, about to get his neck wrung by the other, also famished, hobbits.   
  
"If you don't stop singin', you'll have a lot more to worry about than being hungry!!" Merry threatened Frodo, pulling out a knife from his bag.  
  
"Like what?" Frodo didn't get it.   
  
"Fine, if you don't shut up, I'll destroy your hobbit weed!"  
  
"You wouldn't dare!"  
  
"Don't try me..." Merry finished, putting his knife away. By this point the hobbits had come to the gate of Bree with little occurences. Frodo had been the only disturbing creature they had come across so far. They knocked on the gate to gain entrance to Bree, and were let in quickly by a bearded man. They wandered around town, and found the Prancing Pony, the inn Gandalf had recommended. They got a room, and made their way to the common room to fill up on some ale. They downed a couple pints each in about an hours time. Frodo, in particular, had been the most suseptible to the alcohol. After his third pint, he got up and began to rant about nothing in particular.  
  
"When I said the grass was pink, they didn't believe me; but there it was, changing colors. That's why everyone likes the weed. Show's the truth, even though no one else want's to believe it. Maggot wouldn't even believe me when I said I saw his cows flying. It was pretty funny when they were bribing him... I never would have believed my cookies were that good... anyways, I'm glad they didn't take the Ring... after all, my wife gave it to me when I was just a wee lad... only half a foot tall... damn I was small. I swear to God that I'm married, it's true. This is the Ring she gave me... turns all pretty in the fire and everything... let's put it on..."   
  
Before Frodo could slip the Ring on his finger, a cloaked man came up to him and snatched the Ring out of his hand, and picked him up by the neck. Frodo knew he was in trouble, but didn't bother trying to move. 'He has my hobbit weed... no sudden moves.' The man had dropped Frodo on the floor, and removed his hood.  
  
"What are you stupid?" The man started, but was interrupeted, mid sentence.  
  
"I've been asked that a lot, why do you ask?"  
  
"Are you trying to attracts the Riders?"  
  
"What do you know of the Riders? We've already been chased by 'em."  
  
"They are nine in number. They have been corrupted by the Nine Rings and now work for the will of Sauron. They are after that Ring, and when you put it on, they attracted to it's power."   
  
"You mean this things DANGEROUS!!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!" Frodo broke into hysterics. He chucked the Ring at the door and headed for the window. Sam, Merry, and Pippin were waiting at the door, and Sam caught the Ring in his eye. Frodo started to sob as Merry lifted him off the locked window from which he tried to escape. Merry then showed him his cookie. He stifled back the tears and turned to the stranger.   
  
"Who the HELL are you?" Sam asked, pullin the Ring from his surprisingly undamaged eye socket.   
  
"I am Strider; Aragorn if you must."   
  
"That's a strange name, Strider-Aragorn-if-you-must..." Frodo had to open his mouth.  
  
Strider spoke slowly for the hobbit to comprehend: "My name is Strider. Okay?"  
  
"Strider-okay... got it!"   
  
"Get this git away from me. Why in hell does he have the Ring?"   
  
"His uncle had it before him. If it helps any, he's got loads of hobbit weed. The good stuff." Pippin spoke up. Aragorn grabbed Frodo's sack and put some weed in his pipe. He released a sigh of relief.   
  
"We leave at dawn tomarrow. We head out for Rivendell." Aragorn said between puffs.   
  
"How do we know we can trust y---" Sam was cut off by a drunken man barging into the room. He staggered slowly over to Aragorn.  
  
"You Baggins, the hobbit?" He looked up at him.   
  
"Try the little moron in the corner, Butterbur."   
  
"Thank you, big person. You must drink a lot of milk---" Butterbur just finished his sentence as he puked up his guts all over the floor next to Aragorn, "Unlike some people, I can hold my alcohol." Aragorn pushed Butterbur, the owner of the Prancing Pony, towards Frodo.   
  
"This note is from a big guy, gray cloak, beard, staff... can't remember his name for my life...begins with a G I believe. Gargalf... Gardoofle... Garnempoodle... I know I'm getting close..."   
  
"Doesn't ring a bell, is he tall?" Frodo asked as he took the letter.  
  
"I thought I said that..."   
  
"Gandalf?" Aragorn asked the drunk, although it was obvious to those with even half a brain.  
  
"No that's not it..." he continued the list, "Gandoof, Gandallemaker, Gandalg, Gardoofle. THAT'S IT!! Gardoofle!" Butterbur passed out at that conclusion. Aragorn dumped his body outside the door and locked it.   
  
"Read the note, Frodo." Aragorn said as he turned around, and told Merry to clean up the vomit from the floor.   
  
"'I'm going to be late. Go earlier than your birthday like we agreed - leave before summer starts. There will be a man in the Prancing Pony. His name is Aragorn. Trust him. I'll meet you in Rivendell. Gandalf."  
  
"Then it's settled. We leave tomarrow at dawn. Kapeesh?"  
  
"What does Kapesh mean?"   
  
"It's kapeesh, not kepesh, do you get me? Ya know what? From this point forward, you're not allowed to speak." 


	4. Nazgul's Attack

Because Frodo was about to get killed by Aragorn, the Ranger decided to go for a walk to prevent the death of such a simple-minded hobbit. As soon as he opened the door of the Prancing Pony, he heard the Nazgul approaching the town. He dashed back up to the room where the hobbits were playing a friendly game of poker (at which Frodo had bet the Ring). He took them down to the stables attached to the inn, to wait. Before doing so, he quickly made decoys with their bags (leaving only the hobbit weed inside). Minutes later, the Nazgul's screams were heard bellowing from the hobbits room. Frodo screamed loudly, although drowned out by the Nazgul, Aragorn smacked him on the head.   
  
"Shut up you little twerp!" Strider was so pissed off that the hobbits got the point, even Frodo.  
  
Butterbur staggered in, drunk as usual, and started babbling on.  
  
"Gandoofle... good man... really enjoyed my beer... then for some reason he just decided to 'help me' by killing off my best customer... damn bastard..." Butterbur passed out again, thankfully before he projectile vomited into the air. Since he was facing upwards, the vomit had fallen back onto him, preventing further damage to the floor. 


	5. Weathertop and a Familiar Face

Days later, the group made their way to the ruins of Weathertop. Night had fallen, and even though he was forewarned, Frodo had made a fire when Aragorn was scouting ahead. When the fire was blazing and Frodo had begun to bellow 'Kumbaya', Aragorn had come to put it out.  
  
"You little fag!" He then gave Merry, Sam, and Pippin daggers, "I can barely trust you with yourself, let alone a sharp blade..." Frodo wasn't paying attention to him, but had taken Merry's blade.   
  
"The blade's a bit rusted..." Frodo said to himself as he ran his finger roughly down the blade. His index finger immedietely started gushing blood. Frodo went into hysterics.   
  
"I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadie!!!" He put his finger in his mouth as habit when his finger was cut. Because of the discouraging taste, he pulled it back out, spitting out the blood. Frodo then commenced running in small circles, not allowing anyone to touch him. Aragorn had put his blade in the reborn fire. He pushed Frodo to the ground to make him stop and cauterized his cut. Frodo didn't like this pain. He screamed loudly, but like before, it was drowned out by the Nazgul's cry.  
  
"Look what you did!" The Nazgul were now level to them, dismounted from their unholy steeds. The came at them with drawn swords.   
  
"Let's fight evil with evil!!" Frodo pulled the Ring off of his chain and put it on. The Ringwraiths form had changed before his eyes into ghostly kings. Their gaze turned to him, one of them stabbing Frodo in his shoulder. The blade used by the Nazgul had turned to dust as it was removed from the flesh. Frodo began to wail again.  
  
"They aren't supposed to change colors! Only the grass is supposed to do that! Speaking of which, where is my weed... WHERE'S MY WEED!!!" Frodo started to break down into tears when Aragorn had grabbed a large stick from the flames, and eventually chased off the Dark Riders.   
  
"The Riders destroyed your crop, and we have to get going. They will return shortly, and if you don't get help quickly, you're going to be screwed."  
  
"How can I be screwed without a screwdriver? Do you have a screwdriver?" Aragorn shook his head, grabbed Frodo, and put him in his bag.  
  
"This better shut you up for a while..." Aragorn picked up his strewn sword, and beckoned the remaining hobbits to follow him. They broke off into a slow paced run to keep up the momentum. In about an hours time, a cloaked figure on a white horse was waiting for them.   
  
"How did you find us?" Aragorn was the first to realize she was there.  
  
The stranger spoke slowly, "It...was...you...that...found...me..."  
  
"Can I borrow your horse, this hobbit needs medical attention. I need to get him to Rivendell."  
  
"I...am...afraid...that...can...be...arranged.... Only...under...one...condition...."  
  
"That condition being?"  
  
"Give...me...all...your...hobbit...weed..." She started to cackle maliciously.  
  
"Fine, Arwen, take it. We only have a few ounces though."  
  
"Good...enough...for...me..." She snatched up the bag and dismounted her horse, handing the rains over to Aragorn. He got into the elaboratly decorated saddle with Frodo still in the bag.  
  
"Take these hobbits to Rivendell. You do know where that is, don't you."  
  
"I...have...an...idea...."  
  
"I'll kill you if you get them lost."  
  
"Sounds...fun...." 


	6. Forming the Fellowship

Aragorn had gotten Frodo to Rivendell in less than a day's time thanks to the speed of the horse and Frodo testing Aragorn's nerves.   
  
"///I'm a slave for you!\\\"   
  
"For the love of God, please stop!!!"  
  
Aragorn gave him the little hobbit weed he saved for himself and he said little after that, save for the endless 'Are we there yet' ploy.  
  
In Rivendell, Elrond welcomed them with open arms, and gracious, because Frodo was sleeping, falling under the Ringwraith's spell. Elrond healed him over time, and Frodo woke up three days later to a familiar sight.  
  
"GANDOOFLE!! You must be the guy Butterbur was talking about in the Prancing Pony. Boy, you look a lot like Gandalf..." Frodo started talking as soon as he opened his eyes.  
  
"I am Gandalf you fool! Do you have the Ring?"  
  
"Are you sure you're Gandalf? You look a lot like Gandoofle..." Gandalf glared at Frodo with a look that could kill. "Yes, I have the Ring, always had it..." Frodo grabbed the chain around his neck only to find that it wasn't there, "...I must have left it in the Prancing Pony..."  
  
"YOU IDIOT!!" Gandalf was so pissed, Frodo seemed to shrink to a smaller size than he already was. Although the mood was tense, it was broken by a quiet giggling coming from the door. Gandalf dusted the door leaving the two hobbits behind it scorched. The tips of their hair were still alight when they came to their senses. Pippin spoke up first.   
  
"The little piss-off bet it in a game of poker. Considering I was the dealer, and the game wasn't finished, I took the loot. Here's the ring if you want it."  
  
Merry ducked out before he could get killed, and Pippin followed suit after he tossed the Ring to Gandalf. Gandalf grunted, then threw the Ring to Frodo.  
  
"If you don't keep this safe, I'll make sure you will never get to the hobbit weed again!"  
  
  
  
Frodo's face turned white. He tried to speak but all that came out was a hoarse, inaudable whisper.  
  
"Elrond wants you in the main atrium at 0800 hours. If your late, the offer still stands."  
  
"How can offer's stand if they don't have legs?" Frodo mentioned before Gandalf left the room. Frodo was left to his own imagnation.   
  
When eight o' clock rolled around, Frodo walked into the atrium. He sat down slowly as everyone eyed him, both Aragorn and Gandalf glaring at him. Elrond spoke up first, but not until he put his sunglasses on. He looked at everyone maliciously.  
  
"Ringbearer, please place the Ring on the center stone" Frodo didn't realize it was he who was being spoken to until everyone sitting in the circle had begun to glare at him. He placed the Ring in it's respective place. When he sat back down again, Elrond began his impetuous 'speech'.   
  
"You are all here in the Matrix for a reason. If you can figure that out, I'll tell you..."   
  
Everyone was quiet except for Frodo, who was jumping up and down in his seat with his hand raised.  
  
"OO! OOO! Pick me!! Pick me!" Gandalf was smacking himself in the head with his staff, and Elrond told Frodo to speak up over the hollow thumping of Gandalf's skull.   
  
"We are here because this Ring, also known as the Ring of Power, was and still is owned by Sauron who once used it to try to take over Middle Earth with his army of orcs. The mission is to take the Ring into Mordor and destroy the Ring in the fires of Mount Doom, where it was created by the Dark Lord. When this is completed, Middle Earth will be returned to peace. Only then will war be few, unlike the times that are to come fighting Sauron's army commanded by Saruman..."  
  
Gandalf was looking in awe, "That's the most intellectual thing I've ever heard the hobbit say---"  
  
"...then we can all get high on weed, and then maybe you'll know I'm not nuts! The grass really does change colors!! IT IS NOT ALWAYS GREEN!"  
  
Gandalf continued in slamming his staff against the top of his head, "Spoke...too...soon..."  
  
"So..." Elrond started again, "Now that you all the facts, who wants to complete the task? Any takers?" He pulled his gun out, and threatening pointed it at everyone. They all knew it wasn't loaded, but he didn't.  
  
The room went silent, than the familiar eagerness arose from Frodo's seat.  
  
"I'll do it!! I'LL DO IT!!" Everyone replyed at once. The response was deafening.  
  
"NOOO!!!" Frodo sat back down, huddled into the back of the chair. Elrond, the voice of reason, spoke up yet again.  
  
"We'll have a group of people go to make sure Frodo doesn't do anything stupid. We'll pick names out of a hat. Gandalf, your hat please."  
  
Gandalf reluctantly gave up his hat, where Elrond made slips of paper, each with a name on it. Since Frodo was already going, he was appointed the task of choosing the names. Elrond slowly explained the rules to the hobbit.   
  
"Pick one piece of paper out of the hat at a time. When you take it out, unfold it carefully and read it off. Then place the paper on the center stone next to the ring. You will do this eight more times to make a fellowship of nine. Do you understand?" At this he pulled out a Israeli Desert Eagle and pointed it at him.  
  
"I think so... can you repeat that again?" Elrond pulled back the slide to forewarn Frodo. He didn't get the hint.  
  
One of the elfs was starting to get irritated, "Get on with it!"  
  
Frodo shook as he pulled out names, respectively: Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Boromir.  
  
One elf that was afraid of being chosen for the task shot a flaming arrow at the hat. At this the hat went up in flames, along with all the names inside. Immediately afterwards, the elf went up in flames with a little help from Gandalf.  
  
"I like that hat... more liked... damn Figwit..."  
  
"Now how are we supposed to choose names?" Elrond asked, scratching his head with the muzzle of his gun.  
  
Arwen had just arrived with the hobbit crew, who were more than eager to join the voyage. Arwen had failed to mention the whole Mordor bit of it.  
  
"It is now settled. A fellowship consisting of four hobbits, two men, an elf, a dwarf, and a hatless wizard." Gandalf dusted Elronds sunglasses, who then started to shoot on the spot. The gun clicked fiercely as nothing happened. Elrond turned around in defeat as the meeting was adjurned. 


	7. Entering Moria

The fellowship left first thing in the morning, right after Bilbo had given Frodo a few gifts: Mithril and Sting. Aragorn took Sting from Frodo as soon as they hit the road, and only gave it back once he made him swear not to touch the blade.   
  
"But it's soo shiny!!" Boromir was entranced by the glimmer of the blade, and took out his own sword when Frodo sheathed his. When everyone had made him put it away before he hurt himself, he took a special liking to the Ring. It sparkled more than anything he had ever seen, yet it was unattainable.  
  
The Fellowship has been travelling south for a couple weeks, they realized the pass is being watched by Saruman. They took the path through Carahdras, which was also being watched, leaving the fellowship in quite a predicament. The Fellowship then decided to go under the mountains, through Moria, after much whining from the hobbits and Boromir (because of the lack of shiny objects in the dark).   
  
When they reached the door, which was conveniently shown by the incredibly bright light emitting from the moon, or so Frodo thought.   
  
"WHY IS THE MOON SO BRIGHT!! CAN'T YOU TURN IT DOWN A TAD?"   
  
Gandalf moaned as he hit Frodo over the head with his staff, which was the actual source of light.   
  
"THE MOON IS COMING TOWARDS THE EARTH!! THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!" Frodo began running in circles, which occupied him while Gandalf was thinking of the password.   
  
"Speak friend and enter... hmm..." Gimli spoke up, in enough time.  
  
"My father told me this, for if I ever came upon Moria, I would need to gain entrance, although I can't correctly remember it..."  
  
Frodo was now running in a straight line, into and currently under the water.   
  
"Mer-something... has something to do with the Elvish word, 'friend'..."  
  
"Mellon?" Legolas spoke up this time. The wall started to crumble as the doors began to take shape. At this time, large bubbles emerged from the water, and a drenched Frodo ran onto dry land.   
  
"There's something really big under there... I think I just poked it in the eye..."  
  
"Holy sh..." Aragorn was cut short by the large, squid-like creature that appeared from the water slowly after Frodo. It started chucking fish and what could only be made out as rubber ducks at the Fellowship. They ducked and ran into the 'safety' of the Mines. The creature then blockaded the entrance with an unusually large amount of rocks.   
  
"I ONLY POKED IT IN THE EYE!!! The eye can't be that sensitive..." Frodo then went on to poke himself in the eye, then commenced running in circles.   
  
"Can't we just shoot him now and get it over with?" Legolas armed his bow and was quickly aiming at Frodo's head, "Life would be a lot easier... the apocalypse would seem like nothing!"   
  
"Can we be a tad over dramatic?" Pippin said, joining in on the homicidal conversation of Frodo Baggins.   
  
"Over dramatic would be saying Frodo had half a brain!" Legolas answered his question, still taking aim, waiting for any reasonable objections. Aragorn took it.  
  
"Sure, he may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, hell, he doesn't even have a blade, but he at least has enough sense (if we can call it that) to not put on the Ring to be corrupted by it. Sure, he should be put out of his misery, but that can be done later, when his services are no longer needed or wanted."   
  
"So how's about me carrying that Ring?" Boromir spoke up one more time, glaring at the Ring which was still shining intensly, due to 'Frodo's moon'. Gandalf smacked Boromir on the top of his head, which made him turn away.  
  
"Future warning: as long as I'm taller and have this staff, I have the right to hit you. I don't care how intelligent you-think-you-are..." Gandalf looked at Frodo, "...you will get hit, trust me. You-get-off!!!" Frodo was currently clinging to Gandalf's staff, afraid of Legolas who was still pointing his bow at him. Legolas put his bow down rather swiftly after Gandalf threatened to dust his hair.   
  
Legolas was pretty sour with Gandalf after that, "Dust an elf's hair, who does he think he is? It takes years to grow hair to this... silky... magnificent... perfection......." Legolas was becoming entranced by his own hair, so Gandalf put a stop to it.  
  
"We must continue on. It will take about three days time to navigate these halls, if we don't run into anything..." Everyone followed Gandalf into the depths of the Moria, which they soon found to be more of a graveyard, a tomb for the dwarvin kin of Balin. 


	8. Three days journey thorugh the mines

"Yep, that's a lot of dead dwarves..." (no need to mention who said that brilliant little phrase).  
  
"HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR THE DEAD, HOBBIT?" Gimli was a little pissed at Frodo for this remark. He took his axe and chopped of his Ring finger.  
  
"Do I sense some foreshadowing?" Merry broke his silence, as he watched Frodo's finger hit the ground.  
  
"AHHH!!!" Frodo was obviously in a little pain, "This isn't supposed to happen until the third book!"   
  
"Quite right! Let me fix that for you..." Gimli seemed to have calmed down a bit as he picked up the finger and simply pressed it against where it used to be attached. It stuck for a little while, but fell off again. Gandalf helped by giving Frodo a full guantlet to put over his injured finger. Frodo did this without any misconceptions, amazingly enough. The Fellowship then continued on into the depths, not even remotely ready for the torture that lie ahead. Three days had passed as they navigated their way through Moria, finding Balin's tomb, so of course, they had to stop.  
  
"Sniffle sniffle..." Gimli said aloud as he grieved over the death of Balin.  
  
"What is that supposed to be, 'Sniffle sniffle'"? Pippin had to ask.  
  
"Dwarves don't cry! I didn't even cry when my father was killed!"  
  
"Your father isn't even dead!!" Gandalf said.  
  
"That could explain it..." Gimli got up, mourning period over, as Gandalf picked up an unusually large book, reading the last words (which can never be good in a tomb).   
  
"We cannot get out....the orcs are invading... the torture... the torture... make it stop.... it never ends....."  
  
Pippin then went on to do the third most stupid thing you can do, by asking Frodo a question, "I wonder if their home?" Of course, the second most stupid thing you could do is listen to Frodo, but nothing could top what Frodo was in the process of doing. He went over to the well, knocked the skeleton down (on purpose), and yelled down it, "HELLO!! IS ANYONE HOME?" Gandalf then threw his staff at Frodo which knocked him into another skeleton which also made it's way down the well.   
  
Music then started to emerse from the well, slowly coming to the entrance of Balin's tomb. 


	9. Attack of the Orcs

A loud chorus of strangely cheerful song began to come from the entrance way. It wasn't long until the words became audible.   
  
"If your happy and you know it clap your hands!"  
  
*clap* *clap*  
  
Everyone paused in their tracks to glare menacingly at the culprit. Frodo looked almost gidishly happy. He kept clapping at the respective intervals, while every one else helped in any way they could: the men, the dwarf, and the wizard went to barracade the door, while Legolas got ready to shoot anything that came through the door, and the hobbits all trying to get Frodo to stop ("You're just encouraging them!").  
  
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!" Boromir screamed as he went to barracade the doors. Although, before the doors were shut, he caught a glimpse of the worst creature one could ever set his eyes upon.   
  
"They have a snuffleupagus..." Boromir said almost sarcastically as he pulled his head back in.  
  
"What the hell is that?"   
  
"A creature so terrifying, it will haunt your dreams... only until your death will you feel peace from it haunting cry!"  
  
"That sounds like..." Frodo said, getting cut off as a piercing screech severed the dead air. It was terrifying for the Fellowship, as they back from the door which was presently being chopped open by the orcs.   
  
"We're all gonna die!! I'm too IMMORTAL TO DIE!!"   
  
"Shut up... we all know your immortal, but maybe I can put an end to that!" Gimli raised his axe about to strike the elf, but Aragorn talked him out of it.  
  
"We are going to need all the help we can get, you can kill him afterwards, kapeesh?"  
  
"You with that kapish word again!!" Frodo yelled out  
  
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK!!!"  
  
The orcs invaded the tomb, being killed off as soon as they entered, but only until the Beast came in. It was a large furry creature, slimy in it's own right, with fangs emerging from it's frothing mouth. They all dodged out of it's way as it rampaged into the room. Boromir had climbed onto the Beast and stabbed it repeatedly in the head.  
  
"Does this thing have a brain?" Boromir asked rhetorically as he sunk his sword in the top of his skull. Legolas kept shooting arrows at his head until it reached a point where it actually looked like the Beast was sprouting a very pointy afro.   
  
"Doesn't look like it has a brain..." Legolas added, turning his attention back to the orcs. The Beast was currently bleeding profusely, and commenced stampeding, killing a large majority of the orcs. The Fellowship was afraid for their lives, until the rampaging stopped, thanks to Boromir's allergy. As soon as he sneezed, the monster keeled over and died, crushing a solid thirteen orcs, FInishing them off.   
  
"Imagine that, your mucus killed it... WICKED!" Pippin said as he examined the creature more closely.   
  
"We must continue, there are more coming!" Gandalf yelled to the others, hearing the ever-growing sound of singing. They rushed out of there, following Gandalf's lead.  
  
Fighting off orcs and goblins along the way, they were mere yards from the exit until an overwhelmingly large creature found them.  
  
"Durin's bane..." Gimli uttered to himself.  
  
"It's the Balrog..." Gandalf added.  
  
"Ney, it is Durin's bane!" Gimli had to start up another arguement.  
  
"It's the same ruddy thing!" Aragorn yelled, putting an end to the arguement before it started.  
  
  
  
"NO IT'S NOT!! And you said I could kill the elf now, so, I have other business to attend to!" Gimli raised his axe again but Gandalf stopped him this time.  
  
"There will be no killing of the elf! If anyone does it, it will be me, now stand back, I'll take care of this!" Gandalf did an about-face to the flaming creature, who stood there patiently while the Fellowship debated, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" With this, Gandalf struck his staff violently onto the Pass.  
  
The Balrog stuck his tongue out at Gandalf as he took a step forward. The foundation crumbled and he fell in a flaming mass to his death.   
  
"Well that takes care of that..." Gandalf turned around, joining the safety of the Fellowship, where he found Frodo sniffling, "What's your problem?"  
  
"Why did you have to kill it? It was so cute and fuzzy!! We could bring it along with us!! It could help us light campfires!! S'Mores all around!!" Frodo then collapsed into tears. Gandalf couldn't take it anymore.   
  
"I've had it!! I have never known anyone so STUPID!! You guys are on your own to deal with--- THIS!!" Gandalf then turned around and followed the Balrog into the endless pits of Moria.   
  
"SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU BIG MEANIE!!" Frodo yelled after Gandalf. The Fellowship then continued outside, envying Gandalf's easy way out.  
  
"Lucky bastard!!" Aragorn said under his breath as he followed the other to the exit. 


End file.
